I am.
28 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
in Thursdays
I am stuck. I have all these words swarming around my head, fighting to get out. But I struggle with phrasing myself. I struggle with letting myself relax and say what I really want to say.
I am not a very restrained sort of person. But I am. I am a chameleon of sorts. Very good at blending in. I can be so many different things depending on my environment. I wonder how many people adapt for their environment, going outside of their comfort zone to make others more comfortable. I think it happens more often than not. Why else does everyone on the planet respond with “fine” when asked how they are doing? I think we should ban “fine” and use words like, Happy, Fuzzy, Joyful, Blue, Miserable, Blah or just plain Tired instead.
This year has been an emotional year. A rollercoaster. I have felt anger and betrayal and sorrow. I have felt my faith waiver and my trust in those around me shatter. I have also felt love and happiness and a few of my relationships with loved ones have been strengthened. I have discovered how blessed I truly am.
I have witnessed a dramatic change in my life. In myself. I have learned that I cannot please everyone and I most certainly don’t need to. I am learning to stand up and allow the quiet side of myself to find a voice.
It has been a painful journey and I know that there is so much more ahead of me that will be hard and uncomfortable, but I am stronger now, I am learning, I am growing, I am changing.
I have learned to be happy despite the sorrows of life.
I am fine.
K~
Good times are ahead ! Or behind. Because they sure aren’t here. (Garfield, who else)
25 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment
in Thursdays
All those jokes about Monday? They apply to every single day of the week.
I wrote early this week that I felt like I was tossed out of bed and never landed.
Still haven’t landed.
I am dealing with so many things.
We drove to Portland and back yesterday to pick up a tub we found on craigslist only to find the tub gone, stolen according to the owner. Who in there right mind puts anything on the curb anywhere in the state of Maine? The guy claimed he was hoping to make a bit of cash selling it and yet he put it on the curb, everyone knows that means “free, please take it”. Our other Portland option bombed also and so we drove home. Nice waste of five hours of my life. I say waste because we didn’t have time to make it in to anything else. Even a run down on the beach would have been nice.
Caleb had a fun little birthday party and while he knew what he was getting he was so thrilled about every moment. At one point someone laid there hands on one of his new toys and he said “No! That is special, don’t touch!” . Around here we have living room toys and “special” toys and you don’t mess with it if it is special.
This morning I woke up with every single minutes mapped out.
What a joke.
I made bread, six loaves, actually it is rising right now.
I am fairly certain that I ruined every single loaf.
I neglected to pick up milk, eggs and other staples so I didn’t feed my kids breakfast. I had them dig out a jar of applesauce and wheat thins. Breakfast, go eat it outside. Thank you.
My house is a wreck. Didn’t I just clean it yesterday? The day before? Arggggg!
No tub and no washing machine.
No clean children, no clean clothes and lots of places to go, in oh, 15 minutes.
Why am I wasting valuable time blogging?
I am coping here people and eating wheat thins, I have been so wretchedly busy I can’t recall the last thing I ate. Oh I think I had potato salad yesterday. I think.
One more thing.
Dear tourists, If you cannot even manage the speed limit, stay out of the fast lane. Please. Signed a resident who has meetings and appointments.
I feel so much better. I promise to have a happier post up sometime soon. I have Homeschool updates:D.
K~
Words
27 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in Thursdays
Independence
Home
Trust
Security
Freedom
Words have a way of invoking a rush of feeling.
My independence is vital to me. I belong to me. I and only I am responsible for myself.
Home is comfort at the end of a long day. Home is my family. My retreat from the world. My sanctuary.
Trust is hard. Trust is fragile. Trust is never easily given.
Security is something I am very afraid of. Security does not provide the adventure I require. And yet I crave it so.
Freedom is never correctly interpreted. I am free and yet I am not. I will never be a lark. I will always be a duck. This is my freedom and I am content.
These are the words that have been at the top of my heart this week.
What words sing in your soul?
What words inspire passion in your life?
What words bring doubt and leave room for thought or inspiration?
K~
Felicity and Natalie
19 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
Natalie was someone special for Felicity and now three months later she still figures largely in Felicity’s life.
We are on a different count down of sorts.
Felicity wrote this for Natalie,
You are sweeter then sugar
Brighter then the sun
Lighter then a feather
my silliest one.
She wrote this in July.
She sings all kinds of songs to Natalie, I will find her sitting and singing and she tells me simply that she hopes Natalie is listening.
I think that Natalie knows how much her big sister loves her.
Felicity isn’t upset, she is so happy that she has a sister tending to lost pets. She is so sure that Natalie is happy and safe.
In her own way Felicity has a way of healing open wounds.
I love my Lolly so.
K~
Thursday, Thursday
06 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
You know like the song, Monday, Monday…….
Wasn’t going to post today.
Shouldn’t be posting.
The kids and I went to Sharyn and Gary’s this afternoon and they had a small suprise party for me:) I even got presents! It was WAY to hot to turn on the oven, isn’t my “cake” clever?
My kitty, King Prowler is sick and has to go to the vet. I am very worried about him. Poor baby needs prayers.
K~
Oh Thursday, cruel Thursday
09 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
I understand it all and I hate know one. Even though there are enough people out there deserving of my hate.
My heart hurts and I can only listen, listen and not offer any words of solace, comfort, advice. For some there is nothing to say. They must pour themselves out until they are empty and ready to start over to fill themselves back up with light.
It is frustrating. Frustrating to not be able to heal all those with souls wounded and hurting. Especially when they do not know that they are hurting, that there actions and words are because of hurt, pain. It is frustrating when people around them cannot see there suffering.
There is so much suffering in this world. Too much.
Today I missed my Nattie. But I am glad that she is safe and that she will not have to crawl through the misery’s of this world. I am sad that she will never know the joys and triumphs of overcoming the heartaches that life brings.
I wish I could heal the world. I wish I could give light to those in the dark. I wish I could hold those who feel that they are completely and utterly alone.
K~
This must be Thursday, I just can’t get into Thursday. Thursday HATES me.
25 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
So many things to say. And yet at midnight I find myself a blank slate, tired and slightly confused. As in, what in the heck have a done today, did I finish everything on my list, where is the list?
“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary”….Poe of course, do you remember having to memorize this? I didn’t mind so much as I really love his work. But still.
Today is Thursday. Still can’t shake Thursday, no matter how hard I try. Wretched Thursday.
Well what do you know?! It is 12:02. Hello Friday, Please be nice, Thursday was as mean as always.
K~
