With the exception of a pounding headache, a fresh hole in my soul and the remains of a slightly foggy brain from too many drugs I feel much better today. I was in a kind of limbo place yesterday. Today I cried and crying helped. I know that Natalie is happy and safe now, I KNOW that, but I still ache to hold her one more time. I am trying to muster back to reality, go back to living and doing, I have children who need me to be okay, it still feels so incredibly unfair that life must go on, that dinner must be made, the carpet vacuumed and the seven times tables gone over again and again. It is amazing that a year hasn’t passed that this is the same week even, I started the week happy, a new little one to plan for and then finding that she is gone and then there was the hospital and sleeping, so much sleeping and now it is Saturday. My life must start again. And yet all I find myself doing is praying that somehow I can go back in time, that if nothing else I can at least hold her again. But I can’t and life must go on.
My sorrow is rage and my rage is helpless, I am empty, without.