I am stuck. I have all these words swarming around my head, fighting to get out. But I struggle with phrasing myself. I struggle with letting myself relax and say what I really want to say.
I am not a very restrained sort of person. But I am. I am a chameleon of sorts. Very good at blending in. I can be so many different things depending on my environment. I wonder how many people adapt for their environment, going outside of their comfort zone to make others more comfortable. I think it happens more often than not. Why else does everyone on the planet respond with “fine” when asked how they are doing? I think we should ban “fine” and use words like, Happy, Fuzzy, Joyful, Blue, Miserable, Blah or just plain Tired instead.
This year has been an emotional year. A rollercoaster. I have felt anger and betrayal and sorrow. I have felt my faith waiver and my trust in those around me shatter. I have also felt love and happiness and a few of my relationships with loved ones have been strengthened. I have discovered how blessed I truly am.
I have witnessed a dramatic change in my life. In myself. I have learned that I cannot please everyone and I most certainly don’t need to. I am learning to stand up and allow the quiet side of myself to find a voice.
It has been a painful journey and I know that there is so much more ahead of me that will be hard and uncomfortable, but I am stronger now, I am learning, I am growing, I am changing.
I have learned to be happy despite the sorrows of life.
I am fine.
Caleb is four. Time flies!
Four years ago Caleb was born and spent a short while in the NICU, although it was a scary experience we always knew he would be okay and four years later he is healthy and perfect.
We have been truly blessed to have such a sweet little boy in our home. Caleb is silly and mischievous, He loves his siblings and is a giver of spontaneous hugs.
Caleb loves to be outdoors playing with his brother, guarding against pirate attacks and feeding his goat. His goat is fat.
He loves books and pizza and cream of wheat. He likes blocks and lego’s and Gorimiti. And Phineas and Ferb. He has a fantastic sense of humor.
I love my little boy so much, I love how his laughter and energy help to make our lives wonderful and full.
I love you baby boy. Happy Birthday Caleb.
I love to go outside in the evening. Twilight. When the vampires come out to stare at you in your sleep.. Wait, maybe not. Weird.
Anyway, this time of the day is usually beautiful all year long. I love the smells and sounds, I love to close my eyes and just breathe. Everything seems to slow down and mellow out. This is my time of the day and I try to never miss it.
Prowler never misses it either. He doesn’t miss much. He is a super awesome ninja kitty.
He isn’t asleep, he is waiting for the goat to make a wrong move.
Goat vs. Kitty
Life is good.
(There is almost always a goat in my yard)
This last week has been a nightmare.
I was thinking on my problems, the conflicts in my life, when I remembered that this is the week. How hard this weekend will be for so many, a reminder of loss and pain.
I was in Nevada. At home. With my firstborn. I remember watching the news and they played the clip of the planes crashing into the towers over and over and I wanted them to stop, I wanted to turn it off, I wanted to walk away. I could not believe that something like that could happen here, in America. Not in America. But it did. How? Why?
That video clip, the first one they played and the tears of those reporting the news are with me, forever.
So my life is back in perspective and I am calling all of my loved ones this weekend, to tell them that I love them, that I hold them dear. Because the impossible happened and every day is precious.
I cannot forget.