I have been having a rough couple of days, just life anxieties, holiday anxieties, end of semester anxieties…. nothing too wretched. I woke up this morning feeling kind of numb. I sat by my fire staring out the window and seriously contemplated going back to bed, but anxiety is wicked thing, and I would only toss and turn while my brained fussed over everything single stupid thing under the sun. Of course I did not immediately get to the things that must be done, no, I noted while looking out the window that it was fairly dirty, maybe more then fairly. So I washed the window, then another, and another. And the front door. And I swept. I swept three times for good measure. I made a to-do list and then burned it. I fed the animal populace. I opened my lap top, closed it, told the children to forage for canned fruit and toast for breakfast, felt guilty, went to the store, bought lunch. Came home, swept again, opened my laptop, stared at assignments. The children watched Star Wars. I reminded them about their own school assignments. I laid down. Five minutes later I got up. I swept again. Opened my laptop, printed out some turkeys for the little girls to color. Stocked the fire. Here I am. The problem with anxiety is that it makes me feel like I need to be doing something, the doing something is like a lullaby for the alien that won’t shut up inside my head, sitting is like gas on a flame, everything is so loud. Some days are good, some days are not. I have done so much more then I mentioned here, today was not the best day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I almost ran over him.
I swerved and pulled over, he didn’t look dead and when I got closer he flew away. Relieved that the little bird was neither dead or hurt, I got back in my vehicle, as I was putting my belt back on I glanced in the mirror and saw that he had returned to the middle of the road. I got out once more and shooed him away, he was not deterred. I approached and he flew away. I could not stay there forever, so I left, but noticed as I pulled away that he had returned to the road.
A day later I was once again traveling that road, when I noticed a tiny little bird on the side of the road, dead. It certainly looked like the same bird and it made me sad. Can birds be suicidal?
Today, I was once again traveling home from somewhere (The bank, where money flows out faster then in). I was driving slowly and saw a small bluebird on the road, sitting next to the body of another little bluebird. He/she flew away as I slowly drove around them. It made me very sad, I wanted to get out and move the dead bird so the one did not risk its life mourning for the other, but there was too much traffic. It makes me upset when people say that animals/birds have no feelings, that they are of no account in this world really. No they are not human, but they have souls and they feel.
This evening Felicity’s very inquisitive hamster, Princess, finally managed to excape her cage while we where out, she fell and died. She was very loved and very, very special. She was buried and a small cairn was built. Tonight my little Lollypop is sad and missing her furry friend.
There is a lot of sad in this post.
I find there is a lot of sad in this world in general.
I don’t really dream. When I sleep, I sleep. Rarely do I dream. I am also not superstitious. That said I have had a few “mystical” experiences in my life. Nothing that can be explained really, just things that happen. I do not appreciate these things and I have had a rush of them lately.
A girl I met, I little girl, who I am certain even now needed, needs help. But what can I do? What? I am a stranger and I know nothing of her, her family , her life. I know nothing except that she was in pain. And here, a week later I still think of her, I worry and hope that someone braver then I has noticed her pain, is giving her the sanctuary she needs.
And then a dream, a dream that comes three, four times a night. A vision? A premonition? An admonition? In my dream I am told in a matter of fact way something (something I don’t care to share) and my whole soul rebels against the very idea, I am awake and tired, exhausted. Two nights of sleeplessness. It is as if I am to be told until I except it, embrace it.
My wakened mind cries out “Bosh!”.
It frightens me none the less.
And then in life, in life, the real daytime moments, I am struggling to make sense of my new home, unpack, leave things the way they are until we get shelves up, wade through a bin of clothes until the dressers are moved. Departing from our traditional school for something basic and off track, but school nonetheless. Feeling frustrated and impatient.
Halloween and not a costume is complete , I haven’t even begun. I mean to shuffle through the aisles of local shops everytime I am out, but when I am out I just want to be home, so I look at my list and hurry through, bent on finding what I need.
Apparently routine, structure is more important to me then I knew.
I am tired.
I am washed ashore, on an island of beauty and promise, and I am frightened, clinging to the wreckage of my ship.
Today is a Thursday sort of day.
I have been hiding. Tucked away inside my home and spending time with my children and kitties. Well, okay, I always spend most of my time with my children and kitties. We have been reading Harry Potter and watching Dr. Who. Finishing up math levels and playing in the pool. Our little bantam hen hatched four sweet chickies, Tilly is toddling about the house and we have decided on Abigail as a name for our new sweet baby love, everyone already calls her Abby and I am excited that my Tilly will have a sister close in age to share life with. Joff has been working tons of overtime and so the house is still moving along but at a snails pace, I don’t mind, we are building our home and I don’t want it rushed.
I have been holding on and holding on, I have been strong and I have had to hear a lot of bad things about myself and my family and we have had many, many trials, but I was strong, until I wasn’t. I can’t/don’t want to get into it now, maybe in a year. The storms of life wore me down to nothing, I fell, hard. I am falling still, but am fighting. I cannot hate, I cannot not forgive. I can and will survive, I can love and I can understand that we are human, imperfect and struggling in our own ways. I can pray for those who hurt and are hurting. But I cannot be one with society at this time, I need to hide away, to tap into my last reservoirs of strength. I need this time to learn how to breath again, to learn to trust again, I am rebuilding myself, piece by piece. It has been scary, frightening. All this is perhaps necessary, I am coming back, I just need time. I need understanding. To my husband, my rock and the most wonderful man on this planet, Thank You. Thank You. I love you with all my heart. I thank God for my husband and my children, they keep me whole. There is always Hope.
I am stuck. I have all these words swarming around my head, fighting to get out. But I struggle with phrasing myself. I struggle with letting myself relax and say what I really want to say.
I am not a very restrained sort of person. But I am. I am a chameleon of sorts. Very good at blending in. I can be so many different things depending on my environment. I wonder how many people adapt for their environment, going outside of their comfort zone to make others more comfortable. I think it happens more often than not. Why else does everyone on the planet respond with “fine” when asked how they are doing? I think we should ban “fine” and use words like, Happy, Fuzzy, Joyful, Blue, Miserable, Blah or just plain Tired instead.
This year has been an emotional year. A rollercoaster. I have felt anger and betrayal and sorrow. I have felt my faith waiver and my trust in those around me shatter. I have also felt love and happiness and a few of my relationships with loved ones have been strengthened. I have discovered how blessed I truly am.
I have witnessed a dramatic change in my life. In myself. I have learned that I cannot please everyone and I most certainly don’t need to. I am learning to stand up and allow the quiet side of myself to find a voice.
It has been a painful journey and I know that there is so much more ahead of me that will be hard and uncomfortable, but I am stronger now, I am learning, I am growing, I am changing.
I have learned to be happy despite the sorrows of life.
I am fine.
All those jokes about Monday? They apply to every single day of the week.
I wrote early this week that I felt like I was tossed out of bed and never landed.
Still haven’t landed.
I am dealing with so many things.
We drove to Portland and back yesterday to pick up a tub we found on craigslist only to find the tub gone, stolen according to the owner. Who in there right mind puts anything on the curb anywhere in the state of Maine? The guy claimed he was hoping to make a bit of cash selling it and yet he put it on the curb, everyone knows that means “free, please take it”. Our other Portland option bombed also and so we drove home. Nice waste of five hours of my life. I say waste because we didn’t have time to make it in to anything else. Even a run down on the beach would have been nice.
Caleb had a fun little birthday party and while he knew what he was getting he was so thrilled about every moment. At one point someone laid there hands on one of his new toys and he said “No! That is special, don’t touch!” . Around here we have living room toys and “special” toys and you don’t mess with it if it is special.
This morning I woke up with every single minutes mapped out.
What a joke.
I made bread, six loaves, actually it is rising right now.
I am fairly certain that I ruined every single loaf.
I neglected to pick up milk, eggs and other staples so I didn’t feed my kids breakfast. I had them dig out a jar of applesauce and wheat thins. Breakfast, go eat it outside. Thank you.
My house is a wreck. Didn’t I just clean it yesterday? The day before? Arggggg!
No tub and no washing machine.
No clean children, no clean clothes and lots of places to go, in oh, 15 minutes.
Why am I wasting valuable time blogging?
I am coping here people and eating wheat thins, I have been so wretchedly busy I can’t recall the last thing I ate. Oh I think I had potato salad yesterday. I think.
One more thing.
Dear tourists, If you cannot even manage the speed limit, stay out of the fast lane. Please. Signed a resident who has meetings and appointments.
I feel so much better. I promise to have a happier post up sometime soon. I have Homeschool updates:D.
Words have a way of invoking a rush of feeling.
My independence is vital to me. I belong to me. I and only I am responsible for myself.
Home is comfort at the end of a long day. Home is my family. My retreat from the world. My sanctuary.
Trust is hard. Trust is fragile. Trust is never easily given.
Security is something I am very afraid of. Security does not provide the adventure I require. And yet I crave it so.
Freedom is never correctly interpreted. I am free and yet I am not. I will never be a lark. I will always be a duck. This is my freedom and I am content.
These are the words that have been at the top of my heart this week.
What words sing in your soul?
What words inspire passion in your life?
What words bring doubt and leave room for thought or inspiration?