I am restless and unsteady. My thoughts, twisting down a thousand different paths and sleep is far off.
I take the GED test tomorrow, the math bit anyway. I finished the rest of it 6 years ago.
Six years is a long time to work up courage to defeat a few numbers but then I hate numbers the same way some people hate spiders….you toss a page of geometry at me and I will scramble on the nearest chair, scream and demand someone kill it, kill it with fire!
So many things going on in the world but I have my own problems and frankly the world has just gone over the bend, really, I check the news once or twice a week and am instantly overcome with the blues, but like Gary is always saying, “What can you do? You do your thing, you do it well and be happy despite it all”. I like that, I do try, but when you have kids it becomes so much more important, so I check the news and my eyes and ears swallow all that vile gunk and I wonder why anyone bothers to get out of bed in the morning.
But I know why though, I do really, in the moment I might not but then there are so many wonderfully beautiful things in this world and despite the fact that we humans seem to want to destroy everything, ourselves even,beauty exists anyway.
I wonder about negativity, I wonder why we focus so strongly on the bad, the ills, the depressing, in life in our own situations, in each other…….I do it, my soul is full of darkness right now, but I don’t like it. I am trying to change my point of view. It is surprisingly hard, truly happy, positive people are in such short supply.
I have heard it said that you can be happy even in the midst of the darkest times, I think that is true, but I would not use the word “happy”, happy is not the right word…..besides life would be so utterly boring if everything was right and perfect, so there must be some sort of balance.
I am rambling now.
I have a light blanket covering my legs and am sipping peach tea, a summertime favorite. I love the summertime, it is too short though, much too short, the years grow shorter as we age? Why is that?
The children spend a considerable amount of time swimming and playing with cousins, but we manage school everyday just the same.
I was told so many years ago, when I was very, very young and about to be married, that I would regret not finishing school, not going to college, not spending some time, any time out and on my own. I would regret marrying so young. Later as our children started coming along I was told that I would regret having them all so close and I so young. I am approaching 30 and have been thinking on the advice given to me and thinking how very content I am in my role as a wife and mother. I am thinking now of going to school and studying something and maybe even getting a part time job. Something to help out our family. But I do not particularly want to, so I might not. I love being at home with my babies, I love teaching them, watching them grow, assisting them in their own journeys to adulthood.
I do not have any regrets in marrying so young or having my children close in age. I think all of that has worked out better then I could ever have dreamed.
I am lucky and blessed.
And I am still rambling.
There are things I need to say, things that must be written but even now I cannot manage them. They are for my comfort but I cannot pour them out.
I wonder at the blocks we erect in our minds, the pieces we shut off, shut down, hang a sign that reads, quite firmly, Closed.
I have hope for all of us, most days anyway.
I shall be happy, despite it all:)